The head

It's cancer.

When my mom told me I was shocked and I was sad... I cried a little but then I wanted the information. The next steps. Ok, so he has cancer. Ok, then what? What are we going to do? I am surprisingly calm (surprising to me).

We're going to talk to the doctor tomorrow. They're going to operate and take that tumor out. He's going to go through radiation. Tomorrow we'll find out what we're going to find out what the next steps are.

When I talked to him tonight he and I both needed for the tension to be broken... we both enjoy to laugh way more than we enjoy crying. The tumor is the size of a new born baby's head. I asked him if he was practicing his breathing for when they'd pull that baby's head out. I told him I was glad he got to keep his prostate... then maybe he and my mom could make me a little brother or sister's body to attach to the head they were going to pull out. We laughed. He's going to name the head.

I miss him. I look forward to seeing him soon.

Home

I leave to go home in two more "sleeps".

I'm looking forward to hugging my family. To be able to look at them in the eyes when we talk. To walk in to the house and breath in the smell of my childhood - my home.

Dad's still in the hospital with a prostate 2.5 times bigger than normal. He's bored out of his mind and just wants answers. We all do. I am praying hard that he's home when I get there... It just wouldn't be right to be home without him.

I can't wait to see them all. It's been too long... way too long.

"Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family." ~Anthony Brandt

Lately

I've been emotional. For a few weeks I blamed it on my period... but there's only so much of that I can get away with. I went back to my "therapy mode" and thought things through. Then I remembered something S repeated to me over and over this past year. Something she said I'd been stuck in for several years. Something she said, that took "me" away.

Survival mode.

I was in survival mode for about 4 years and my survival mode does not take emotion well. My survival mode only shows emotion in order to get a result. My survival mode kicks some serious butt and takes names later, way later... if ever. And for about 6 months my survival mode has been melting away and that stupid crap emotional stuff has been coming back.

I'm kinda liking it.

I'm emotional and illogical and I change my mind about where and how things should go from minute to minute. I cry more often, my passions are stronger, I love harder, I laugh more often and I find wonder in everything. It's just me.

Photo

I'm really looking forward to my upcoming trip to Canada. I can't wait to start taking pictures. Of course I'm really looking forward to seeing my family - that's a given, but taking pictures is like a form of therapy for me.

I'm not a fabulous photographer... I have a point and shoot and it's not fancy. But when I broke my camera at Rockfest (mud and cameras don't mix) and I was without for a few weeks, I really missed it. I love taking pics of the kids doing their random kid stuff and friends and family during special times, but what I learned while living without my camera was that it isn't those times that I enjoy capturing the most, it's the times when I look up and the sight in front of me makes me have to catch my breath because I feel as if God's letting me in on His view of us.

-- The vibrant colors of a lake.
-- The way the waves push the driftwood onto the shores.
-- Genuine smiles I get from the boys, the kind that are pure and innocent.
-- The way the sun shines through the leaves by my apartment.
-- The way the kids run through the sprinkler and the water falls onto the grass.
-- Rain in the middle of a sunny day.
-- The way animals look when you pet them.
-- Loons on the lake as the sun rises.
-- Rocks piled up naturally, just as it would look if God had just finished creating the earth.
-- The way the ice melts on a lake.
-- Pumpkin patches.
-- The amazing colors of fall...
-- ... and spring...
-- ... and summer...
-- ... and the pureness of winter.
-- People dancing.
-- Laughter
-- Heartache
-- Prayer and meditation
-- Weddings and funerals

I could go on and on, but you get where my mind is going. And when I see these things I immediately think about God. We're living His plan. We're seeing His creation. Why wouldn't I want to capture all of it?

Just as each day brims with your beauty, my mouth brims with praise. Psalm 71:8

Age

In a few weeks I'll officially be 30. I look a the number in print in front of me. Me. 30 years old.

Age isn't a huge deal for me, I'm not one to be concerned about numbers. The girls from work and I were discussing age one day during lunch and we all agreed we felt stuck in our late teens. Not stuck in a bad way, just stuck in a way that made us feel a little weird to have people think we're mature and stable enough to be raising kids. I feel 18 and I have an 8 year old and a 3 year old. I'm a mom. An adult woman. With a job, and bills, and schedules, and responsibilities. That is just plain crazy. Who in the world thought I was ready for all that?

I think one of the things I have a hard time wrapping my mind around is that if I'm 30... that means my parents are older too. To me, they should be in their 40's. That's where they got stuck. And my sister, she never hit her 30's (she has in reality), she's still in her early 20's.

Age. A number that represents the years you've physically lived. A number that represents the years you've laughed, loved and loathed. A number that never truly represents anything of significance... that, the significance of age, wisdom, hope, failure, victories, faith, that can only be found in a place where numbers are insignificant. My soul.