Half a Century of Life

Brian isn’t on social media and rarely does a person get to publicly brag about their spouse so I’m taking this opportunity to do it today.

Brian and I met through E-Harmony about 10 years ago. His profile picture was nothing great… really, I could barely make out his face, it was the way he answered the following question that had me. It said “What inspires you?” and he answered “My sister and her family, because they live for the Lord.”

That’s when I knew I wanted to meet him and his family.

I asked Brian how he knew he wanted to meet me… and he answered “Because you were cute and you wanted to talk to me.” So there’s that.

It saddens me to know that I’ve only been able to be part of the last decade of his life because there’s a ton I’ve missed out on.

I missed out on his childhood… Brian is the youngest of three kids, there’s Barb, then Bob, and then Brian. In the past few years I’ve gotten to know them and hear stories about their childhood. It’s pretty all-American and to this Canadian, it sounds fascinating. Bob did tell me that Brian went through a bit of an exploratory stage as a kid, flushing his Winnie the Pooh down the toilet and then later one turtle… Bob suspects it was more than one… Ryan, you might to watch him a bit more around your turtle…

And then there were glow in the dark superball wars in the basement in Minnesota. Brian, you know the kids are going to want to know the details of this later!

I missed out on his teen years… Brian was a natural athlete, found his love for rock and roll, was a popular kid, court warming king, had plenty of friends, nice to everyone, and had a very busy social life. You know… the kid 1980’s teen movies center around.

I missed out on his early adult years… working a few jobs to keep up with his shampoo consumption… and I missed out on Amelia’s earlier childhood years…

During those early adult years, Barb and her family along with others prayed hard that Brian would come to Christ. While living in California, in 2007 Brian accepted Christ into his life. I truly believe his sister and so many others who had been praying for him diligently for years have a huge hand in his Salvation story and for that, I am so grateful. In 2008 Brian moved back to Kansas City and was baptized. Oddly enough a little boy he would meet 2 years later, and a few miles away made the same decision on the same day.

I did miss out on a lot but I truly believe God’s plan is the best plan. And to be honest, had we known each other during some of those years, it would have been illegal to date anyway.

Meeting in 2010 was God’s perfect timing for both of us. March Madness had just wrapped up and baseball was about to start in a week. Brian was bored and I was dared by Todd to join E-Harmony so we jumped on over a free weekend and started chatting...

Brian, I’ve seen you grow in all kinds of different ways in the last, nearly 10 years. When we first started dating you told me you were always willing to learn and grow and I truly appreciate that, but you had much more to teach.

For example, who knew that nearly every conversation can include a story about Everybody Loves Raymond or Friends? I’ve also learned that the dishes need to be washed before being put in the dishwasher to wash and that there is a secret way to load the dishwasher that the 5 other people in the house are incapable of understanding. I’ve also learned that I have not truly mastered the art of a Beste Bargain and that maybe, just maybe I’ll someday be able to shop like you do. You’ve also taught me that there are sports on tv every single day at every single hour. That’s kind of mind blowing. And that visiting baseball stadiums is actually a thing people do… repeatedly. And lastly, you’ve taught me that sarcasm is an art, one that shouldn’t offend me but that I should embrace.

You’ve taught the kids that lectures can really only have one point, and that point can and should be repeated for a large amount of time. That QuikTrip really does have everything they can possibly need, that courtesy flushes are a must, that they should learn something at school, and that they need to know their audience.

And then there are things you have learned from those around you…

6 years ago you joined a Saturday morning men’s group – you wanted a group of guys to keep you accountable and be in community with. Not only do you share your lives together, but I have seen you grow as a father, husband, and leader because of them. You guys share stumbles and successes and rumor has it you’ve been known to talk about your favorite and sometimes expensive underwear… Either way, I’m thankful for these guys who love and support you.

We both know step-parenting is challenging and rewarding all at once and you’ve embraced the good and the bad. You love the boys like your own, whether they want you to or not. You’ve invested yourself in their lives – all of it. You’ve walked through the highs and lows with me and you’ve been my steady when I wanted to flail around. I know I don’t make it easy on you and I’ve given you plenty of outs, but you’ve stuck through it because you believe in our family, all of it.

Brian, thank you for living the story of the prodigal son and for coming home to your heavenly father over a decade ago. You opened up your heart to me in a time where you were still discovering what that looked like. You trusted me with your story of redemption and grace and I am blessed because of it. You truly are my very best friend.

Oh… and you’re hot and I love you more. Happy birthday, Brian!

Let's Get Real | Getting Paid for Foster Care

I was at a party a few weeks ago where some ignorant man made a comment regarding foster care. He said I had a sweet gig, taking care of foster kids and making a bunch of money.

I've heard of this happening to others before, but I've never experienced it until that day. I was stunned. I still am. And hurt.

Because he's right. It is a sweet gig.
I just got a raise 6 days ago. While McDonald's workers and other minimum wage workers are fighting to get higher wages - from $7.25 to $11.00, I don't have to. I got a raise. I now get $1 per hour.

This rate covers the monthly cost of food, clothing, personal expenses, and transportation for one child in care. Healthcare and the majority of daycare costs are covered by the State.
Do I think it's a fair rate? Yes.
Am I making money from this rate? No.

Do some people get into foster care to make money. Yes. But they are the exception. They are the ones who give us good ones, a bad name. They are the ones you hear on the news who starve these sweet babes and cause much more harm and permanent damage to these kids.

Please don't compare me to these people.

Here's how things work in foster care: A child comes into care, the agency calls around to foster parents who have openings to see if they can take the child (it's a bit more complicated, but let's keep it simple for this). Someone accepts the placement (child) and the agency drives over to the house and drops the child off with whatever the bio parent wants to provide. Sometimes clothes and personal items are delivered, sometimes the child comes in just the clothes they wear (it's happened to us!). They drop the child off and turn around and leave. 10 minute interaction, tops. So that's when the $1 per hour starts. So here's what goes into this payment (aside from the food, clothes, personal expenses, and transportation costs):

Here's what $1 per hour requires:

• Monthly appointments with our Family Service Coordinator.
• Monthly appointments with my kiddos' Case Manager.
• Twice a month appointments with the CASA.
• Coordination/attendance of weekly appointments with therapists (as many as needed).
• Visit coordination with bio parents.
• Communication with bio parent throughout the week (sending pictures or sweet stories of their kids).
• Monthly report of how child is doing to child's "team".
• Application and coordination of daycare through DCF.
• 8 hours of training per year (per person).
• Huge sacrifices by our entire family on activities and time.
• Alienated friendships.
• Stress on marriages.
• Nights of tears and unknown.
• Living by faith.

Here's what the $1 per hour provides:

• A forever growing heart.
• Watching my kids love the broken.
• Being the hands and feet of Jesus in the real world.
• Meeting and loving new people.
• Growing together, as a family, in this adventure.
• Helping a family reintegrate.
• The softening of our hearts towards others.
• Being a small part of the solution to a broken system.
• Watching the growth of children in care.
• Being blessed by these new little people.
• Seeing a glimpse of the world as God sees it.
• Being an advocate for those without a voice.
• Endless hugs and loves.
• A heart that will never be the same again.

If it was easy money, we wouldn't have a shortage in foster families. 

So think it, talk about it behind my back, whatever - but please don't make comments to me about something you know very little to nothing about.

Feminism

Feminism.
Thoughts on this topic swirl in my head. Lots of things in no real order. Here's what I think today.

Gentlemen - don't leave me.
I like when the door is opened for me. I like that men let me go in the elevator first. I like that my husband wants to carry things in for me.I like that when I am carrying a box, a man wants to come and help me.I like that while I'm shoveling outside, that a man stops by and asks if I need or want help.Does it mean I'm weak? No, it means I'm respected and I am not offended by any of it.

Let's chat money, honey.
I know a few couples where the man stayed back and was the primary care taker of the kids while the woman killed it at work. When he entered the workforce afterwards, he made less than she did... and less than the other woman in the workplace that had more experience than him, cause that's how that works. Women entering the work force after staying home for years, shouldn't make the same as their male or female counterparts who have worked consecutively for years. 

I make decisions every single day based on my personal choices. I choose family over work. I will leave work early or during the day to take kids to appointments or attend class parties or sports games. I will not always work long hours at night because I will be reading to my kids or talking to teens about life. I will choose kids over work.

I have coworkers - men and women, who make different decisions. They choose work over family. That's their choice and because of that, they will be rewarded differently than I do. Am I upset about it? No.

Generally, women are the ones who make those choices - who choose family over work. Culturally, we see this shifting where men are making those same choices more often.  I think the pay will change because of this. Men are choosing family more and more over work. Especially the younger generation and I think that's going to shift things in the salary equality. This has nothing to do with gender but lifestyle choices. 

Dressing up.
If a guy walks around in a Speedo, you bet I'm looking. If a man came into a meeting with his shirt unbuttoned half way down, I'd be looking at the chest hair or man boobs, or whatever else he's wanting me to look at. If a man walked by me with short shorts and half of his rear hanging out, yep, I'm going to look at the butt hair. I'm looking because I'm a curious human being and quite frankly a little shocked. We all are. I'm looking because I'm trying to figure out what message he's trying to send with his fashion choice.
What we wear, how we dress, how we walk and talk are all non-verbal cues of who we are. These are ways we represent ourselves. If you don't want people to see you as a sexual being but just as a human being, perhaps you can cover your sexual parts up.

Stereotypes
I've said things like "That's a man for you!" or "Men!" or "I left him with the kids. I hope they are still alive when I get back.". Are those things right? Heck no! Should I be ridiculed for them, no way. I should be gently corrected and we should all move forward. So when men say things like "Women are so emotional!" or "If she cries, I'm leaving." or whatever it is they say, it's a stereotype, because the majority of us are emotional and that's what makes us awesome.

Respect
The focus of our efforts shouldn't be minimizing one gender, it should be about respecting all human beings, in whatever stage our society is in. Be the change. Be the example. Be the love.

1 Peter 4:8: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." 
John 15:12: “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." 
1 Corinthians 13:13: “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

I also understand that men don't really know what to do anymore because it could offend some women and so I get it when they don't. No judgement here, boys - appreciated but not necessary.I work in a corporation where I hire folks and decide on salaries. We always look at the professional's experience, not gender. I understand that sexual discrimination happens, I think it's an exception and not a norm.Honestly, I'm watching women in politics right now and they are confirming all stereotypes. I'm seeing emotions fly all over the place - eye rolls and all. If you don't want the stereotype, don't do it.

Do women really make less than men? Maybe. Maybe not. If they do, why do they?

I don't throw my boobs, vagina, or butt out for all to see. And yes, I think if you're going to do that, you get what you get. Is it ok? Nope. But let's take some personal responsibility folks.

Sure there are plenty of stereotypes about women. And there are just as many about men.Be very careful about your words just as much as you want men to be careful. What I am seeing more of is things like "girl power". Hun, I have boys and girls and I'd like them all to be powerful. 

In the end it's about respect. Respect as a human not a man or a woman. I don't expect better treatment and I don't want better pay. I want respect and I want to give respect.I understand that women have been and will continue to be taken advantage of. I understand this happens to children, the elderly, people with lower incomes, different races, and yes... it happens to men too. Maybe not as often to men, but it still happens. 

Ingredients to Successful Co-Mothering

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs on the planet and it has nothing to do with logistics or kissing boo boos or even balancing work and life - it has everything to do with the heart.

Nothing in my life makes me feel as insecure and out of control as motherhood. I want to control their happiness and their safety and their choices. I want to be the soft place where they land while balancing the firmness of boundaries. I want them to avoid the hurts life will inevitably fling their way. I want to stand in front of them and fight their battles. I want to save them from the mistakes I’ve made. I want to be like Jesus for them.

I stink at this. Big time. Because I’m not Jesus – I’m this messy, hormonal, flawed woman who struggles with sins and baggage. I need Jesus’ grace and mercy on an hourly basis and so do the other mommas I share kids with – you see, I’m a bio mom, a step(bonus)-mom, and a foster-mom.

Mothering another woman’s child is a tender process, one I’ve messed up a lot. I’ve stepped on a lot of toes, have misunderstood and have been misunderstood, and unintentionally hurt others.

A ton of grace, prayer, over communication, respect, and assuming positive intent are the best ingredients for solid “co-mothering” relationship – well at least a shot at it. As I mother these children I did not bear, I constantly ask myself what I would want another mom to do if she was in my shoes.

Milestones, gifts, parties, hair, piercings, school grades/choices/updates, special events, trips, etc, are all things that are important to the child and to parents. When my bonus daughter was younger, her mom and I chatted often about these sorts of things. It was important to the both of us that she would find a special bond with me, while still nurturing the one she had with her mom.

When my foster kiddo has visits with mom, I hand over any art projects I have saved up and give her any hard copy pics I’ve taken of him. I also text her pictures and videos of him, along with any updates on his development. I will give her ideas on fun gifts he would like and set up activities they can do together when she’s with him. My goal is that they bond because that’s his momma.

God has grown me a lot as a human through this process. I’m by (sin) nature Type A and I want all things to line up and be fair and right and good. That doesn’t happen when you throw in other people’s opinions and traditions and wounds – it just doesn’t. What I have learned is that if I make choices and choose words from a place of love, then the child (in whatever category they fall in), always wins. The idea isn’t to compete, the idea is to nurture and promote healthy relationships, whatever that may look like.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Two Decades

You've been 2 decades for a bit now but you know... it's better to be late than to never do it! 

Sweet girl,

Lots has happened this past year, huh? You were pretty sure of what you were doing this time last year but shortly after things kind of started not making sense anymore and what you truly believed was the right choice for you, turned out to be not to make any sense.

You know what I love about you? You know when to walk away and you did. You took some time, assessed the situation and you came back stronger. You didn't stick to a plan for the sake of sticking to a plan.

I am incredibly proud of you for doing that. So incredibly proud.

This past year you've grown, you've allowed yourself to stumble, you redirected the course of your ship, and you set sail at a different school with a different major.

You have lots of plans and dreams and you'll make them happen, I'm sure of it. Your emotional growth has been stretched and you've been able to talk through your hearts aches and joys.

You are finding you in the midst of pre-adulthood craziness.
I know adulting is not what you want to do, but you are wading in at the right speed - you've got this girl!

Je t'aime ma belle, A. Don't forget how precious and beautiful you are. I believe in you, your dad believes in you, and most importantly, God believes in you.

Marie

The last unlegal year

I'm a little late with this post, but we know my heart meant all the goods.

You turned 17 this year and boy was that a hard one for me. 

It's not just the deeper voice or the hair on your armpits (TMI?), it's the person you are becoming.

We both trudged through 16 together and it was met with a million and one obstacles but just as many chances to grow and learn. For me, 16 will be the year I grew up as a mom - it defined my style and who I am as a momma. I pray that for you, you'll see it as the year you gained the biggest cheerleader ever in me. You sweet boy, will always be just that - my sweet boy.

This past year you started working and earning your own cash. You got a bit more freedom than ever before. You quit a sport you'd enjoyed playing for 8 years to move on to another brand new one. You also got a bit more serious about your interest in politics, defining your stance on many social issues. This was probably your most social year yet.

Watching you grow up has been extremely hard. Not because you are growing up (although that’s been a tough one) but because I watch you struggle in a world filled with people who have yet to figure themselves out, living in a less than real environment (social media), trying to find out who it is God has called you to be with a ton of pressures coming from all sides. This is the part I wish I could shield you from. This is the part where letting go is harder than anything I’ve ever done before. This is a part where I must rely on God more than ever and my faith is being put to the test right along with yours. 

I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Funny, ridiculously smart, witty, intellectual, respectful, perceptive, dependable, loyal, adventurous, passionate, courageous, and so much more. I hate to say you are most like me because you are truly, most like you… but there are so many parts of you that I connect with and so because of that, I feel like I understand your heart a bit more.

So here we are 17 and there's so much you have yet to learn and so do I! We have lots of plans for these next 12 months, foundations to your next new adventure - life after high school. I'm excited that I get to help you, guide you, and love you through all these new experiences.

I love you Peanut, more than you'll ever understand.

Happy 17th birthday,

Mom