Scars

I've purposefully not blogged (a lot) about B. He's a bit more private than I am and I want to respect that.

It's been hard cause life is good. So good and I feel amazingly blessed to have him be a part of that. It's been over 6 months and we have grown quite a bit as a couple and individuals. I can only speak for myself, but I feel like I've done a lot of growing and it's been painful - in a good way. I'm growing up to be a healed up woman with lots of scars. That's ok, because we all have of scars. We might try and hide them, we might put lots of bandages on them to hide them from the world, but those scars, they are still very much there. They are never going to go away. Mine won't go away, B's won't go away and neither will yours. But in the right environment they will heal. In time, they will. So that's what mine are doing. Healing. Some of them I didn't even know existed until I let someone in again. 

There are times when I wish my scars would completely go away. That they would disappear and the fears associated with them would leave too. But then... I wouldn't be me without them. I feel whole because of them. And B loves me with my scars and I love him with his.

She's the woman

She's the woman I will never know but will always love.  She's the woman who changed my life forever.  She's the woman who chose life. She's the woman who made the most unselfish choice a person can make.

At 18 she found herself pregnant and alone. Knowing full well that she would struggle... possibly follow in her family's legacy, she was faced with some serious choices. Choices children shouldn't have to face. Choices created by lack of education or simply irresponsibility. Choices that have some serious consequences.  Regardless of the choice, the consequences forever engraved in her heart and soul.

She's the woman who loved her daughter more than she loved herself. She's the woman who gave a couple struggling with fertility a family. She's the woman who gave me a big sister.

Normal

We are going to be the ones who make it work or not. We are the ones who determine what our children view as a normal and abnormal relationship between divorced parents. We are their view of normal.

I didn't get divorced because I couldn't stand him. I got divorced because I had nothing left to give him as a wife. Being a wife and being a mother are two very different roles and one of my roles ended. I want to be the best parent I can be and a large part of that is to do everything I can possibly do to keep my kids grounded in the Lord and giving them a sense of security. They feel secure when they know both parents are on the same page. They feel that way when they see that Mom and Dad are in a room together and they can still talk to each other and get along.

And that's what we did on Saturday. We put on our big boy/girl underpants and we celebrated the birth of our 4 year old baby. Our friends and family were there to celebrate with us and it was... normal.

You

Your giggle, your demands, your coy expressions.
Your ever growing vocabulary.
Your blond curls, long eyelashes, chubby little hands and perfect squishy cheeks.
Your round "Buddha belly".
Your independence.
Your love of structure.

You sing, tell stories, have an imaginary friend.
You can't jump on one foot just yet but you compensate by jumping on everything else.
You love rubbing tags, especially when you are nervous or tired.
You challenge me, make me laugh, keep me on my toes.
You know what you want and you aren't afraid to tell me... or anyone else.
You love "sprinkle cookies" and anything salty.
You're growing quickly and you are so excited to be getting "big".

4 years ago you were born. 4 years ago God blessed me by allowing me to be your mother. To learn from you, to challenge you, to love you with everything I have in me.

I love you my little monkey.
Happy birthday,
Mommy
xo